The sister of a dear friend of mine is facing the trauma of an impending divorce. Married to her college sweetheart who wouldn’t take no for an answer while wooing her, with a now 12-year-old daughter, the marriage imploded when the husband made it big in his career. As it often happens, the wife who stood by him during his struggles was quickly forgotten over a series of affairs.
Divorce is more common than we’d like to believe. As is the stigma attached to it. But, if one puts aside the legal aspects, which differ in every case, the idea of letting go binds most people going through a divorce. What are you letting go of? How will you do so? What is life like after divorce? And, when you let go, do you let go of the memories [not easy in some cases where there are child and custody issues, so the ex is still part of your life]? Do you move on with the hope of a happier tomorrow alone or with someone different? How do you pick up the pieces of life as you knew it before the marriage stopped working? Who do you stay friends with if you had common friends? Do you hibernate, move away and start life anew? Some stay friends after the divorce or maintain peace for the sake of kids.
In the more acrimonious cases, letting go of assets becomes an issue. Money, jewellery, pets, and houses become pawns in a game of power. Even the children are not spared. Some people get difficult during a settlement purely because they can. Vengeance is sweet when you are the wronged party; or the one controlling the money. And the guilty partner often shows no remorse, as is the case with my friend’s sister.
But here’s the thing. True power lies in letting go. Forgiveness, if it comes, can follow later. Letting go is when you drop it all and say, “whatever happens, I will be okay and I will deal with what follows.” Iron out the legal aspects, sign the papers, and decide to start a new life.
It is not as easy as it sounds. I should know; mine was as messy as it gets with my in-laws refusing to return my jewellery and my ex-husband using it as a bargaining chip so I would not ask for the 10,000 AUD he had spent of my money that he owed me.
I let go of the money so I could get my jewellery back, as there was sentimental attachment to some of the pieces. As for the emotional fallout, I no longer worried about the stigma, the trauma, and the PTSD that followed all the violence. I chose to deal with all of it one day at a time.
Forgiveness came much later. I didn’t actively seek to forgive him or anything. I put the experience down to a past life karmic debt and one day, after six months of crying myself to sleep, woke up at peace. Soon, I was happy to hear the birds chirp, the laugh of the kookaburra and the long summer evenings when the sun sets at nine. I loved living in Sydney, and I went back to enjoying the city.
I began introducing myself as happily divorced. As I am sure many women would too, because who would want to be in a relationship where you feel more trapped than happy?
Women today have everything going for them. I salute every woman who chooses to stand up for herself and refuses to put up with abuse of any kind. By doing that, they are teaching their sons that it is not okay to treat a woman badly and their daughters learn to reject disrespect and infidelity.
Instead of holding on to a mirage, it is always a healthier option to accept and let go. Fight for what is your right, but emotionally and mentally, practice the art of detachment, and believe in the laws of karma. You will be happier for it. Tomorrow is another day after all.
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