Dear Auntyji
I am the dadi of the most beautiful 2-year-old nanhi pari, but I have a situation with her that I need your guidance with. Because we have been in lockdown, we have not been able to visit her because we live 7kms away. Auntyji, every day my heart yearns for her.
Her mother (who is of Australian heritage) does not like Monalisa using the phone – because she says there will be time for technology later. However, the consequence of this is that Monalisa does not like talking on the phone and so when we try to call, she throws the phone down and walks away and insists on watching Coca Cola on YouTube instead. If she gets hold of the phone, she insists on going to YouTube to watch Bollywood videos – and this is another reason her mum does not want her using the phone. But Auntyji, I am so saddened that Monalisa does not want to talk to us on the phone. I think her mother should make more of an effort to get Monalisa to keep in touch with us. What if she forgets us? Can you please tell me how to solve this situation?
Auntyji says
Dadi maiyya dadi maiyya, maan jaao. Chodo ye gussa, zara hus ke dikhao… What kind of old crone are you that you are imposing your expectations on your DIL and your little nanhi pari? Children are fickle, and today, Monalisa might not want to talk to you on the phone and prefers Kartik Aryan and Kriti Sanon’s Coca Cola instead. But tomorrow, she might want to have a long conversation with you. But for you to put the blame on your DIL shows me you are a terrible dadi. What kind of a kalmuhi thinks like this about the mother of her grandkids?
So here is my solution. If you really want Monalisa’s attention and you are competing with Bollywood, then it’s simple nah? Put on a shiny sari, and do a dance and sing Coca Cola – or Choli ke peeche – if that is your vintage – for your little Gudiya, record it and send it to her. Simple. I mean surely, no humiliation is too deep to suffer for grandkids, nah? Monalisa will likely love your performance so much that she will not forget you anytime soon. Problem solved?
Chhanan chan choodiyan…
Dear Auntyji
My Australian husband who is a very cool guy has been buying fashion online and Auntyji his recent purchases have me a little flummoxed. So, like I said, James is pretty cool and rock and roll. He works in advertising and wears black and has a groovy haircut. Well, he used to have a groovy haircut but because of COVID he currently is sporting a ‘70s shaggy mess. In any chase, James bought a designer bracelet for himself with skulls on it and it looked really good. Then he bought another one in leather which worked well. These are really nice bracelets made by Alexander McQueen so you know that they are pretty gothic and cutting edge. Then the other day, he bought a third one – and now Auntyji, he wears all three of them like some rock and roll god and lopes around the house, his bangles jangling.
Auntyji, each time I hear his bangles, I hear an old Bollywood song in my head, Thodi chudiya pahen lo, ek ghagra silwa lo. I don’t even remember which film this song is from, but the bangles are driving me insane. Why must my beautiful husband sound like all my desi mamis, kakis and dadis? What to do with this harjayee, Auntyji, what to do?
Auntyji says
Oh ho ho. What fun it must be to live in your house. But if this is the biggest problem in your life, I really don’t see what the issue is here. Wouldn’t you rather know at all times where hubby is, just by the sound of his chudiyan? So if you wanted to nip outside for a quick cigarette or to make cow eyes with your neighbour, at least you can do it safe in the knowledge that you will hear James coming a mile off. I say that you have nothing to complain about – how lucky are you to have such a rock god pati dev!
Now if your hubby starts wearing pura makeup and bites off the heads of live chickens, then you know he is going too far as a rockstar god. Otherwise just let him be. Also, a Bollywood song comes to my mind – the divine Sridevi (in Lata M’s voice) singing Chhanan chhan chudiyaan khanak gayi dekh sahiba. Let this song run through your head as you hear your hubby jingling and jangling through the house, and let that sound then take your imagination to places only you and your hubby should know about.
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