Thanks to a dear friend called climate change, summers are now for suffering. Summer in Sydney is the latest hot and dramatic Bollywood production with unexpected villains. Starting with the sun itself putting you on an Aussie BBQ grill, followed by the magpies and mosquitoes treating you like a buffet. But not to fret, we’ve got you covered with creative survival strategies for this war. Here’s our no-nonsense, over-the-top guide to surviving Sydney summers.
Wear a helmet (yes, really)
The four seasons in Sydney are Winter, Spring, Autumn, and Swooping. Everyone will tell you about Aussie snakes and spiders, but our one true common enemy is the dreaded magpie. As an effort to avoid losing a chunk of your neck, put a helmet on! It’s not like your head will be sweaty in 40-degree weather. One-up the birds and stick googly eyes on the back to confuse them. As a fashion statement, add spikes or a mirror and lean into the gladiator vibes. Let’s avoid The Birds: Australian Sequel from becoming a reality.
Sunscreen like it’s war paint
You don’t tan in Sydney; you toast(ie). Lather yourself in sunscreen everywhere—no one is exaggerating when they say the sun will burn a hole in your skin (as if the ozone layer wasn’t enough?). Forgetting parts of yourself will effectively turn you into a patchwork quilt, and not a pretty one. So, to avoid turning into human samosas, apply a thick layer and keep reapplying. The sun is watching you.
Flip-flop fever
Sweaty feet have everyone hot and bothered—in the worst way. The scorching sun will cook your feet faster than a tandoor, so put on your thongs… and flip-flops (be hot and bothered the good way). Make sure your flip-flops have soles so thick they’ll shield you from the battle of the beach worms when you decide to walk on sand—that is, if you can find any room to breathe at the overcrowded beaches.
Mosquito defense system
A 40-degree summer would’ve been mythical 40 years ago, but tiny vampires (mosquitoes) are unfortunately real. Industrial bug spray ought to do the trick with these demons, but you can use citronella candles to keep them at bay too. With a real spell, I’m sure they’ll keep actual demons at bay as well. As a more drastic measure, run out and buy yourself an electric fly swatter because sometimes violence is the answer. If you get yourself a tennis racket-shaped one, you’ll have a satisfying and competitive summer. The mosquito and magpie love triangle is all you need for this Challengers sequel.
Ice packs as fashion accessories
The Australian fashion scene is more than athleisure! Our fashion tips this summer start with strapping an ice pack to your forehead. For a more discreet and cool (pun intended) look, shove frozen peas down your socks. If Balenciaga can turn duct tape into a bracelet, I’m sure you can pull off the “walking refrigerator” look. And hey, at least no one in Newtown will bat an eye. If the fashion/food fusion isn’t up your alley, you can’t go wrong with a 5-meter wide-brimmed hat to provide shade for you and your posse.
Hydration to the max
A Sydney summer starter pack is not complete without a 5-litre jug of water for the apocalypse. For a desi twist, fill it with some nimbu pani or Rooh Afzah. Carrying it might be a slight burden to your shoulders, but as if the entire summer isn’t already one. Don’t take it to heart if someone laughs at you—simply give them your jug when they pass out from dehydration. Be a hero this summer!
Plan B (or H) – Hibernate
Things might seem bleak, but we have a Plan B ready. Just sleep it off. Seal your windows, up the aircon, and shut your eyes until March. Spend a solid 40 dollars every day (thank god for the cost of living crisis) to have snacks delivered and only emerge when the temperature drops below “death by sunburn.”
Thrive; Don’t just survive. Get through the brutal weather with these ridiculously practical and slightly insane tips, and I’m sure you’ll make it to Autumn with your sanity (mostly) intact. Good luck, soldier!
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