Zoom anxiety
Salaam Auntyji,
I hope you are well during COVID. My name is Saira Rukshana. When I was younger, people called me Saira Banu because I looked like the great actress of yore. In fact, Saira Banu the star and I share not only the same name but also our birthdays. Anyway, my grandson has recently gotten married in the UK, and his new dulhan insists on having a weekly catch up on Zoom because she wants to see us when she talks to us.
But Auntyji, hamari baat yeh hai, ki I don’t like going on Zoom because it is not the most flattering for me. So I always tell the nayi dulhania that we have technical issues and that we can only do audio. My husband Zulfi says not to worry about how I look and to just make connection with Shaila. Can you please tell me how I can end this once and for all, and convince Shaila that audio is best? Looking forward to your guidance.
Auntyji says
Tauba tauba, yeh kis jahil se hamara path cross hua hai? Arre kalmouhi, sharam nahi aati, at your age? You are a grandmother, and here you are, one foot in the kabar, worried about your looks, you old banana peel?
Khuda ne tujhko achcha chehera zaroor diya tha if you looked like Saira Banu, but akal to bilkul nahi di. At your age, you should be thinking about your good deeds, and building connections, yet here you are, worried about what you look like on Zoom. Zaroor tumhari ticket to jahannum is assured.
You have a new family member who is doing her bit to connect, and to spend time virtually with you, and your narcissistic, self-centred pride on your faded looks is more important to you. Dil ko dekho, chehere nah dekho, because chehere ne laakhon ko loota. Do you remember this Bollywood song? Dil sacha aur chehera jhoota. Except in your case, your dil is kaala like the kajal you probably wear. You are not even a til on Saira Banuji’s face – because you let your faded beauty keep you from forming a loving relationship with your grandson’s new wife.  When you land in jahannum, there will be plenty to keep you company. None of them will be complimenting you on your beauty. They will be laughing at you for prioritising beauty over virtue. So I have no guidance for you. Get over yourself, you self-centred %*$%#!
READ ALSO: Ask Auntyji: To be or not to be Insta-worthy
Begging for alone time
Dear Auntyji
I have a particular problem I desperately need your help on. One of my sons who is 27 years old recently got married, and because we have a really big house, he and his new wife live with us. My daughter-in-law is nice and I hope they live with us for ever.
But Auntyji, my DIL works from home, and my son works in the city. So the problem is this. When my son comes home from work each day, both Ravi and Nina go into their room for over an hour. We don’t see them until it’s time to prepare dinner – when Nina helps me do this. Auntyji, how do I tell them that when Ravi comes home, it would be nice for me to see him and that he and Nina don’t disappear into their room for an hour. How do I tell them to stop this behaviour?
Auntyji says
Arre Dayan, tere mouh me kida pade. Â Tere sapno me kaali billi tujh ko noche. Tere baalo me nits and lice khushiyaan manaye. May green fungus grow between your toes. You are the worst mother I have ever had the misfortune to write to me in all the years I have been doing this.
What kind of a churail are you that you think your desire for seeing your son is more important than the blossoming needs of his new wife? Don’t you remember being newly married, dusht aurat – and what it’s like to be in the honeymoon phase?
If you had even a jot of maternal inclination, you would be delighted that Ravi and Nina love to spend time with each other. You would be overjoyed and grateful that they are living with you. You should be going out of your way to make life so wonderful for them that they never think of leaving.
Yet here you are, wanting to be the first person to be with your son when he returns from work. Seriously, is this what’s been bugging you? How can you not want to die in shame – for even thinking this way? Listen up besharam kulta, your son is now a man and deserves some alone time with his new wife. Don’t you dare impose your neediness on him. And especially don’t impose your paap on your new bahu. If you want Ravi and Nina to continue to live with you, I suggest you change your vyarth thinking – you wacky dushta bhava. Hey Ram, mujh ko mukti chahiye from your paapi people.
READ ALSO: Ask Auntyji: On craving more Facetime with the grandkids
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