Ask Auntyji: To be or not to be Insta-worthy

Dear Auntyji

I am looking forward to going to India in December to get married to my best friend Ravi. We are both studying here in Sydney. I have not yet met my future in-laws, but they have met my family, and everyone has agreed to the wedding. But auntyji, I overheard my best friend talking on the phone to another friend and I am a bit worried that what they say may be true, so I’m hoping for your advice. My best friend said that she thinks that my future in-laws will get a major surprise when they meet me in person because I don’t look the same as my Instagram pictures. All my future in-laws see my Instragram photos and yes, Instagram makes everyone look good. But Auntyji, what if my friend is right and they don’t like what they see. How do I fix this situation – I am very concerned. Can you please tell me how to solve this problem?

Auntyji says

Arre kalmouhi, you brought this upon yourself. Silly nirlaj janamjali. How have you not wasted time on the inter webs looking at reality-versus-Instagram photos? Have you not met any of these kultas who look like an Alfonso mango on Instagram and turn out to be sukdi hui imli in real life? This is a thing and I’m surprised a narcissist like you is so unaware of this culture phenomenon. But you have caught me in a benevolent mood, and I am trying to be a better person during this lockdown.

So here’s my advice. Starting now, for every five pictures of yourself that you post on the gram, make sure one is realistic and has no filter applied. Nothing – just your normal, self-absorbed narcissistic visage. Of course, try to look good, you don’t want them to reject you before the shaadi.

Then, over the next few weeks, start increasing the realistic pictures and reducing any with filters so that slowly, you only post realistic pictures. Of course, if you wanted to take this a whole new level in the opposite direction, three weeks before you fly out, only post unattractive pictures of yourself – looking below average. By this time, the in-laws will have hopefully grown to like your personality, assuming you have one.

Then, when you turn up for the wedding, everyone will be surprised that you look nothing like your ugly girl photos and are not bad looking at all. There you go, problem solved – and at the wedding everyone will agree that you are a beautiful bride. Win win for all, nah?

READ ALSO: Ask Auntyji: On sinning and on fake compliments

On LinkedIn Dos and Don’ts

Dear Auntyji

My husband has been trying to get his business off the ground, and it has been a long struggle for us. But after three years, we have turned the corner and he was so happy he started to tear up as he told me that he was going to be successful. Then, he whipped out his phone, took a picture of himself with all his aansoo in his aankhen and posted it on LinkedIn. And while there are over a thousand comments on there which are good and encouraging, there are some comments that are a little hurtful. I thought LinkedIn was supposed to be a supportive community for business professionals and now my husband’s feelings are hurt by some of these comments. What kind of kaminey post negative comments on LinkedIn? Also do you have advice on how I can make my husband feel better and how he should ignore these jealous comments?

Auntyji says

You ask what type of kaminey post negative comments on LinkedIn? Well, jahils like your husband, for a start. LinkedIn is not Facebook; it is a global platform for business professionals and it transcends borders because anyone can see anything.

I really wish I knew what your husband was thinking when he whipped out his phone to record his ronadhona instead of acknowledging the importance of turning the corner for his business. Then when he posted that on LinkedIn, I don’t know what he expected would happen.

The beauty of LinkedIn is that while there is much groupthink and there are a lot of messages that are bland and anodyne, there is also some information that demonstrates a diversity of thought. And this reflects the human condition.

There are just as many different opinions as there are people, and so your foolish husband posting pictures of his tears while others virtue-signalled by offering support or congratulations kept his post lowbrow. He deserved those cutting comments because – well, who cares about his tears? Did you post your tears when you gave birth to your children or passed your exams? The tears in your husband’s post became a self-indulgent, overdone act of vanity.

What would have made his post compelling and authentic was if he had talked about the hardship of the journey, or some of his learnings that would have helped others. What a rothlu you have married. I hope his business idea is based on producing tissues – because then, he can be his own No. 1 customer.

READ ALSO: Ask Auntyji: Cross border love match

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